someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.