Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Saw your ex at the shops
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies