Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Human are so complicated
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
we’re dead?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.