If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.