Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I only eat vegetarians.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!