H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
The Punning Dead.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.