Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Wednesday
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Very problematic
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.