You’ll be OK
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I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Spotted in New Orleans.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”