Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
You Might Also Like
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
bury ourselves
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)