[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
You Might Also Like
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave