Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
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Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up