Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.