I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Florida be like…
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.