mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Can’t, holding a grudge
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.