A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Breaking news:
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that