No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit