I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that