[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers