Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
What an awful time to have common sense.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: