“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
United Steaks of America
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
A dad and his duck
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now