My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Get in loser we’re going crying
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.