Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks