Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.