My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.