“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
WTF IS THAT!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.