[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …