*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
what the
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.