Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Somebody’s lying.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.