I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: