95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
“i miss shittin on people”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.