[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
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just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?