If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
#parenting
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.