[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
You Might Also Like
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
This is the best one I’ve seen
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!