Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards