Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
$3 #books
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes