Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Labreador
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?