waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
what are they serving at kfc then???
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter