If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
A small tragedy.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.