My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter