This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Thinking about Jeff
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along