some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.