The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Kids: Stay in school.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley