There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.