I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.