Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Xylophonist Shredding It
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
shampoo implies shampee
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red