Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Generation gap…
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.