“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.