[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.