Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit