[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich